This Version of Feminism Isn’t Fair, and You Know It
This isn’t about hating women. It’s about holding ourselves accountable too.
Every time I say this out loud, it sounds like betrayal. Like I’ve jumped ship and joined “them.” But it’s really not that deep. I’m not male-centered. I’m not anti-woman. I’m just saying this version of feminism? The one we’re carrying now? It’s not fair. And deep down, we know it.
We’ve reached a point where any kind of self-centeredness is repackaged and sold as empowerment. A woman can be mean, emotionally unavailable, passive-aggressive, manipulative, or even flat-out abusive and we’ll still find a way to hype her up. We won’t call it what it is. We’ll call it “standing her ground” or “choosing herself” or “setting boundaries.” Even when what she’s really doing is hurting someone. Even when she’s moving with pride, not healing.
And the double standard? It’s loud.
When a woman cheats, it’s “she deserves better.”
When she’s cold or manipulative, it’s “she’s protecting her energy.”
When she’s abusive, it’s “she’s standing on business.”
When she humiliates a man online for not spending enough, it’s “high standards.”
And we gather in the comments to say, “Yesss queen,” like sanity doesn’t matter anymore. Like kindness is optional. Like, we only care when it’s our own being hurt.
We’ll scream “equal rights” until it’s time to admit when we’re wrong. Then suddenly, we’re babies again. Fragile. Needing grace. Needing understanding. Needing space to feel.
We want emotional availability from men, but we don’t know how to hold it when it comes. We want them to be vulnerable, to express themselves but we don’t make them feel safe doing it. We want them to listen to us, be soft with us, do the inner work, but we won’t hold a mirror to ourselves.
We act like we want fairness, but what we really want is to win.
And while we’re being honest, let’s talk about entitlement, the kind where some women act like being female alone makes them deserving of a man’s everything. His money, his time, his peace of mind. Like just being pretty or “feminine” is enough reason for someone’s son to pour everything into you, while you offer nothing but vibes and mood boards.
It’s gotten to the point where some girls feel offended when they’re asked to bring something to the table, like effort, communication, consistency. They call it “masculine energy” to even try. Since when did decency become gendered?
There’s this weird pride now in saying, “I don’t do anything for a man.” But want him to do everything for you.
You want to be spoiled, protected, funded, adored… without offering the same softness back.
And what’s worse is when someone calls it out, you label him “broke” or “insecure.”
It’s wild how we’ve made it normal to mock men for setting standards, for having preferences, or even for expecting kindness in return.
I’m not saying don’t want the good things. Want them. Want rest. Want softness. Want ease. You deserve that. But also, let’s be real: it’s not okay to expect someone to break their back for you while you bring nothing but an aesthetic.
You’re not above effort because you’re a woman. You’re not owed someone’s hard-earned peace just because you’re cute and charming. That’s not feminine energy. That’s entitlement dressed up in pink.
And the worst part? We’ve made it look righteous.
We’ve started confusing provision with love, control with care, and being rude with “realness.”
We celebrate toxicity as long as it’s wrapped in female empowerment.
We turned accountability into an attack.
We scream “self-love” but refuse to look in the mirror.
This isn’t what feminism was meant to be. It was supposed to be freedom, not ego.
It’s about breaking cycles, not flipping them.
It’s about building better, not becoming worse.
It’s about healing, not just hiding behind buzzwords.
I’m still a girl’s girl. Always have been. But being a girl’s girl doesn’t mean clapping for nonsense just because a girl did it. It doesn’t mean encouraging toxicity, entitlement, and unfairness just to stay in some imaginary “sisterhood.”
It means telling each other the truth.
It means holding each other to higher standards.
It means choosing kindness, growth, and softness, not power plays in pretty packaging.
We can’t keep crying about being misunderstood while weaponizing our identity every time it suits us.
We can’t keep asking for equality while refusing to be accountable.
Because real growth? Real empowerment? It doesn’t hurt people.
This is my voice note in blog form. My writing might not sound academic or fancy, but I’m just here trying to say the truth, like you’re on a late-night call with a friend who’s had enough of the performative stuff.
If this stirred something in you, even if it made you uncomfortable, say something in the comments. I want this space to be honest even if it’s messy.
I only recently learned I’m autistic. Before that, I didn’t have the words for what I was feeling—mostly because I didn’t feel in the way others expected. My emotions were locked behind a wall. And whenever I tried to speak up or express something real, I’d get critiqued. So I shut down. I couldn’t push through that wall, even when I wanted to.
So I get what you’re saying—how men are invited to be vulnerable, but often punished for doing it wrong. I’ve lived that.
But I also think this isn’t just about men vs. women. It’s about a culture that doesn’t know how to hold anyone’s pain when it doesn’t look familiar. Especially for people like me—where vulnerability might come out quiet, flat, or jumbled.
What we need isn’t less feminism. We need more grace for difference. More space for people to unmask without being pushed away.
i agree with everything you’ve said, but it feels like most of this only exists online?
maybe it’s because i live in an african country, but i don’t think feminism has advanced enough for this kind of behavior to be deemed normal or acceptable. even when some women try to behave this way, they are instantly called out by men and women alike.
i think everyone should be treated the same because of our shared humanity, so i wouldn’t condone the behavior you described either. with that said though, the scale doesn’t seem like it will ever balance even if some women stop behaving like that, if you get what i mean. like, misogyny will still be built into the way things are run, and it will never be a “woman’s world” (as i’ve seen some men who use these talking points claim) even with all the manipulation and meanness disguised as “girlbossing”. if balance only benefits a certain type of person, it’s merely a start of balance, not balance yet.
and though the behavior is wrong, i find it hard to allege “double standard” in a general sense just yet, because i think that behavior is still wildly left unchecked in men. but in the sense of “double standard” held by women? i might say maybe?
once again, i’m not excusing the behavior. so i’m glad you took the time to outline this, so we don’t accidentally become the oppressor, no matter how just it may seem.