I only recently learned I’m autistic. Before that, I didn’t have the words for what I was feeling—mostly because I didn’t feel in the way others expected. My emotions were locked behind a wall. And whenever I tried to speak up or express something real, I’d get critiqued. So I shut down. I couldn’t push through that wall, even when I wanted to.
So I get what you’re saying—how men are invited to be vulnerable, but often punished for doing it wrong. I’ve lived that.
But I also think this isn’t just about men vs. women. It’s about a culture that doesn’t know how to hold anyone’s pain when it doesn’t look familiar. Especially for people like me—where vulnerability might come out quiet, flat, or jumbled.
What we need isn’t less feminism. We need more grace for difference. More space for people to unmask without being pushed away.
i agree with everything you’ve said, but it feels like most of this only exists online?
maybe it’s because i live in an african country, but i don’t think feminism has advanced enough for this kind of behavior to be deemed normal or acceptable. even when some women try to behave this way, they are instantly called out by men and women alike.
i think everyone should be treated the same because of our shared humanity, so i wouldn’t condone the behavior you described either. with that said though, the scale doesn’t seem like it will ever balance even if some women stop behaving like that, if you get what i mean. like, misogyny will still be built into the way things are run, and it will never be a “woman’s world” (as i’ve seen some men who use these talking points claim) even with all the manipulation and meanness disguised as “girlbossing”. if balance only benefits a certain type of person, it’s merely a start of balance, not balance yet.
and though the behavior is wrong, i find it hard to allege “double standard” in a general sense just yet, because i think that behavior is still wildly left unchecked in men. but in the sense of “double standard” held by women? i might say maybe?
once again, i’m not excusing the behavior. so i’m glad you took the time to outline this, so we don’t accidentally become the oppressor, no matter how just it may seem.
As an African girl too, I’ve seen what you’re describing firsthand. Online, there’s this whole conversation about “toxic feminism” and girlboss entitlement… but offline? In the homes we grow up in? The schools we attend? The churches? The streets?
We’re still just trying to survive.
It’s easy to debate double standards on the internet but in real life, some girls are still being told they’re not allowed to eat before their brothers. Still being told their only worth is marriage. Still being blamed for their own abuse. And still being watched like criminals in their own homes, just in case they "bring shame." So yeah, I agree the double standard is still loud, but only one side of it is consistently called out. It’s like we’re trying to “balance” scales that were built crooked from the start.
I really respect what you said here, “If balance only benefits a certain type of person, it’s merely a start of balance, not balance yet.” That’s going in my notes. Because THAT’S the reality.
Thank you for saying what you said!! And for reminding us that equality should never turn into revenge but that the road there is longer for some of us than others. 💜
and to even add, a decent part of this “toxic feminism” like expecting men to always bring the funds, stems from a patriarchal attitude of “women can’t/shouldn’t have the intelligence and agency to have a career, so bringing money is a man’s job”
It's comfortable to believe you deserve everything in the world without having to give anything back, which is what men were doing before women demanded better treatment. Like you said, it's not about equality so much as it is about winning. You've really put things into perspective for me!
Furthermore, this type of feminism doesn't seem much like feminism to me anyways. If a man is to provide money, love and attention for you and all you provide is aesthetic and beauty, is that not what we've been fighting against? That women are objects, to be paraded around as status symbols?
I loved reading this, thank you for putting words to the thoughts I've been having lately. There is a lot of resentment and anger in this movement, which I hope will balance out eventually. Posts like these are important in that process!
I *love* this post: it encapsulates my feelings about modern feminism, especially in books. Female main characters are bratty, rude, brash, abusive, uncouth, walk all over boundaries. That's not female empowerment: that's narcissistic, self-centred behaviour. A lot of what we call 'toxic masculinity' is glorified these days when women do it. As a feminist, this is painful because the world, with all its Andrew Tates and Donald Trumps *needs* feminism. Obviously there's a time and place for rudeness and choosing yourself- calling out the creepy glowering guy on the street and refusing to get involved with a toxic guy is important- but that doesn't mean you have to be rude every.day.of.your.life.
This hit way too close and I mean that in the best way. You put language to something I’ve been feeling but hesitant to say out loud: that some of what we’re calling “empowerment” is actually ego dressed up in aesthetic.
We want softness and vulnerability, but we’re not always willing to give it back. We want fairness, but sometimes we’re really just trying to win.
I’m still a girl’s girl too, but not at the expense of truth or accountability.
Thank you for naming this with care. I’m curious where do you find examples of balanced, grounded feminism these days?
Tye, the way you put this? It’s exactly what I was trying to say but couldn’t find the words for. “Ego dressed up in aesthetic”?? You ate that.
I think grounded femininity still exists, yeah, but it’s just not the loud kind that goes viral. It’s in women who move with sense but don’t need to scream it. It’s rare though, not gonna lie. But I love that people like you are seeing through the noise. Makes me feel less crazy for writing what I wrote 😭❤️
I'm right here with you lol. I was sitting in my car when I got the notification and after reading the byline I said to myself, 'this is either exactly my people or someone who is hate polar opposite of me' and decided finding out which one you were was more pressing than getting out of the car haha. Truly, thank you for sharing this thought.
I hope this finds the right people and doesn't land in front of the kind of feminism that screams you're a 'pick me,' simply because they realized the shoe actually does fit.
First of all, I want to say, your words are bold and this is such a beautiful piece. There’s a clarity and confidence in what you wrote, and I can see you’re speaking from a place of deep reflection, and maybe even hurt. I respect that. I respect your honesty, and I respect that you're willing to say what many might only whisper.
But I have to offer a different side of the story.
When women today say, “I am the table,” or act with what some might call “entitlement,” we’re not pulling that attitude out of thin air. We’re reacting to centuries not years, centuries of being underpaid, over-sexualized, silenced, abused, and expected to smile through it.
The reason some women don’t want to “bring something to the table” is because we’ve been the table for generations. The emotional labor, the unpaid care, the bodily sacrifice from menstrual pain to childbirth to postpartum breakdowns it’s all been normalized and unappreciated.
So yes, some women are cold now. Some are passive-aggressive. Some are manipulative, just like some men. But let’s not pretend the root didn’t grow in imbalance, in generational exhaustion, in being punished for softness and then told we’re "too hard."
The version of feminism we’re carrying now? It’s messy. It’s loud. But that’s what healing looks like sometimes ugly before it’s soft. Is every action excusable? No.
But is every woman who’s “doing too much” just selfish or broken? Also no.
Some of us are tired of being used, spiritualized, and sexualized all while being asked to “stay kind.”We’re not trying to “win” over men. We’re trying to survive with our dignity intact.
So no, I don’t clap for toxicity either. But I do understand the rage behind it.
And maybe, instead of asking women to “hold a mirror,”
we should ask, Why did she have to become this sharp to be taken seriously in the first place?
First, thank you for this. I really respect how you shared your thoughts. It didn’t feel like an attack, just a different view. And I hear you. Loud and clear.
You’re right. The shift didn’t come from nowhere. It came from generations of silence, of being overworked, underloved, and told to shrink. So yeah, I get the rage. I get the tiredness. I get the hard shell. I’m not blind to it.
But somewhere along the way, we started using that pain to excuse what would’ve hurt us if the roles were reversed. A woman humiliates a man and we call it standards. She cheats and we say it’s because she deserves better. She’s cold or emotionally unavailable and we say she’s just protecting her energy. We celebrate behaviors that, if flipped, we’d be marching against. That’s what doesn’t sit right with me.
I’m not saying women shouldn’t be angry. I’m saying anger isn’t always healing. Sometimes it just adds more weight to the hurt we’re trying to rise from. And in trying to rewrite the narrative, I think we’ve started letting go of softness, empathy, even fairness.
No, not every woman who’s acting out is selfish. And no, not every reaction needs to be perfect. But if we’re going to talk about empowerment, it shouldn’t come at the cost of someone else’s dignity. That’s not healing. That’s retaliation. And that’s not the feminism I signed up for.
I still believe in balance. In calling things what they are. In not weaponizing pain. And that doesn’t make me anti-woman. It makes me someone who believes we can be powerful without becoming what we once feared.
Thanks for holding space for this. I think both truths can exist.
Thank you for your response. I truly appreciate the way you shared your thoughts not as an attack, but as someone holding space for both truth and accountability. And you're right, both truths can exist.
But here’s mine.
Yes, some of what’s happening now might look like entitlement. Retaliation. Toxicity. But before we label it that, we have to be willing to ask where it came from. Women didn’t wake up one day and decide to flip the script out of nowhere. This "hard shell," this coldness, this refusal to be soft it wasn’t born in a vacuum. It was built over centuries of being overlooked, used, silenced and discarded.
You said, “We’ve started using pain to excuse what would’ve hurt us if the roles were reversed.” But honestly, the roles were never even close to reversed. We were beaten into silence, married off at 14, denied education, paid less for equal work, raped and blamed, made to feel like our worth began and ended with whether a man “chose” us. Some of us still live in homes or countries where being born a girl is seen as failure. Some of us are still being told that “beautiful, tempting women” are the problem not the men who can’t control themselves.
So when some women get loud, angry, prideful, even selfish, I don’t see monsters. I see survival mode.
I agree revenge isn’t healing. Weaponizing pain won’t build the future we deserve. But can we really rush healing when the wounds are still being made today? Every time a woman is told her only job is to serve a man, that she’s too emotional, too opinionated, too much the fire reignites.
And yes, we should call things what they are. But we also can’t keep holding women to a level of accountability that society never demanded of men.
You also said, “We act like we want fairness, but what we really want is to win.” Maybe. But here’s the thing, We’ve been losing for so long, even basic dignity feels like a win. This isn’t about reversing oppression it’s about finally trying to escape it.
I’m still a girl’s girl too. But being one, to me, means understanding the rage and the softness. It means knowing some women are still bleeding from things they never even got to name. It means saying, “I get why you’re angry. I get why you snapped. I’m not saying stay there… but I’m not judging you for how you survived either”
Empowerment doesn’t mean perfection. And healing doesn’t always look graceful. But if we keep holding space like this with honesty and compassion maybe we can finally break the cycle instead of just flipping it.
What a great post! I needed this after recently exiting a toxic relationship with a woman who justified everything she did all the time, no matter how blatantly wrong and selfish it was. And she never once said she was sorry, leaving that to me all the time. I am writing about my experience with this now and will post sometime over the next few days. But it felt great to see you speak these words of truth. Please keep it going. Your words have power and they help. They really do. One line at a time, one post at a time you are fighting for the “cause” - this collective effort to evolve the human experience by sharing the truth. Thank you for you honesty and putting yourself out there. You are supported here!!!!
Thank you so much for this. I’m really sorry you had to go through that. It’s draining when you’re the only one apologizing while your pain is ignored. I’m glad you’re writing about it though. That kind of honesty matters. I’m just putting my thoughts out there, so knowing it resonated means a lot. Keep sharing. You’re not alone either.
I'm glad a woman (or a girl's girl) said it and I agree 1000%. We have to stop giving bad behavior good labels in the name feminism or women empowerment. By all means have high standards, be strong, don't settle, be a boss, but if you're rude, entitled, arrogant, and heartless it doesn't really matter. I say all that to say I enjoyed reading your thoughts, thank you!
This was an interesting read for me because, contrary to a lot of comments here, it did not resonate and left me… sad, probably.
Not because i disagree with the point of it all (on the contrary, entitlement and shitty behavior are always to blame) but because i struggle to recognize in my daily experience and my “online bubble” any of the examples described. As it often happens, algorithms tend to feed you more and more with the type of content that confirms itself, so that could explain why i’ve not encountered this fake feminism, but the activism that i see online is far from the one talked about in this piece.
There is already a “right” way of talking and claiming rights that maybe doesn’t reach the big audience. So the question is: how can we shift the focus on the latter and educate ourselves better rather than contributing in amplifying the conflict ?
Thank you for this thoughtful take. It’s true, algorithms do shape what we see, and I respect that your experience has been different. I think the goal isn’t to spark more conflict, but to hold space for nuance. Both realities can exist at once. And yes, shifting the focus to better conversations and honest reflection is such a powerful place to start.
Maybe finding a voice as a group that's been downplayed for so long there's bound to be overdoing it and taking space as revenge. Feminism as an ideology is just that, an ideology. In practice it will always look messy especially since there's still patriarchy and misogyny and all kinds of conservatism circling,and fighting back.
I personally don't experience the behavior you describe, but I trust it exists, because it makes sense. Especially in the toxic context of online discussion. It's good to demand for better behavior, but feminism as how I understand it, is not what you describe, even if someone would evoke the word, so it's easy for me to recognize that this isn't it. Feminism in all its forms is practiced by humans who aren't perfect. And it's a good thing to remind them that there is still work to do. Even among self-identified feminists.
Absolutely agree with you. Feminism is layered, and like any movement shaped by real, imperfect people, it’s going to show up messy sometimes. The point wasn’t to dismiss the core of what feminism stands for, but to call out the ways it can be misused or misrepresented. There’s still so much unlearning and growth to do, even within our own communities, and that reminder matters.
I agree with you and have been saying something similar -- vilifying men in the name of feminism hurts not only the (vast majority of) good men but puts a negative spin on an otherwise critical cause.
This shook me a little — in the way only truth does. It’s not every day you read something and instantly feel both seen and called higher. I won’t lie, parts of this made me pause because I’ve thought about them recently — like really sat with the discomfort.
I came across two conversations this week that scratched the surface of this. One felt... off. Like the girl was calling women out, but from a place of internalized misogyny — almost like resentment disguised as critique. The other, though, felt like this post: intentional, honest, and rooted in care, not shame.
Reading this felt like someone finally saying, “I love us... but we need to talk.” And we do need to talk — not shout, not shame, not sugarcoat. Talk.
The part about flipping cycles instead of breaking them? Yeah. That’s been echoing in my head. I know we’re angry. I know we’re healing. But we can’t confuse healing with harming. We can’t switch seats with the oppressor and call it justice.
We say we want equality, but sometimes what we really want is to “win” — to be adored, catered to, praised, and never questioned. But if we want softness, if we want real love, that comes with accountability too.
But here’s another layer: what happens when holding women accountable is done from a misogynistic place? What happens when the mirror is held up with bitterness instead of care? Do you really need to hate her to tell her the truth?
Because deep down, I think a lot of people — men and women — still associate feminism with man-hating. So every time they hear critique, they’re already on the defense. No one’s really listening anymore.
And from an African lens, the tension gets even murkier. Feminism here often clashes with deeply rooted cultural ideals — so when we critique it, people aren’t just hearing “accountability,” they’re hearing “rebellion,” or worse, “Western influence.” And that complicates how we talk about fairness, gender roles, and personal responsibility. Sometimes, even valid points get buried under the fear that we're abandoning our identity. So, where’s the space for African feminism that’s honest, nuanced, and still rooted in love for the culture?
This isn’t betrayal. It’s maturity. And sometimes, holding up a mirror is the kindest thing we can do for each other.
Thank you for writing this. Even if people pretend not to see it, it stirred something that needed to be stirred.
I only recently learned I’m autistic. Before that, I didn’t have the words for what I was feeling—mostly because I didn’t feel in the way others expected. My emotions were locked behind a wall. And whenever I tried to speak up or express something real, I’d get critiqued. So I shut down. I couldn’t push through that wall, even when I wanted to.
So I get what you’re saying—how men are invited to be vulnerable, but often punished for doing it wrong. I’ve lived that.
But I also think this isn’t just about men vs. women. It’s about a culture that doesn’t know how to hold anyone’s pain when it doesn’t look familiar. Especially for people like me—where vulnerability might come out quiet, flat, or jumbled.
What we need isn’t less feminism. We need more grace for difference. More space for people to unmask without being pushed away.
i agree with everything you’ve said, but it feels like most of this only exists online?
maybe it’s because i live in an african country, but i don’t think feminism has advanced enough for this kind of behavior to be deemed normal or acceptable. even when some women try to behave this way, they are instantly called out by men and women alike.
i think everyone should be treated the same because of our shared humanity, so i wouldn’t condone the behavior you described either. with that said though, the scale doesn’t seem like it will ever balance even if some women stop behaving like that, if you get what i mean. like, misogyny will still be built into the way things are run, and it will never be a “woman’s world” (as i’ve seen some men who use these talking points claim) even with all the manipulation and meanness disguised as “girlbossing”. if balance only benefits a certain type of person, it’s merely a start of balance, not balance yet.
and though the behavior is wrong, i find it hard to allege “double standard” in a general sense just yet, because i think that behavior is still wildly left unchecked in men. but in the sense of “double standard” held by women? i might say maybe?
once again, i’m not excusing the behavior. so i’m glad you took the time to outline this, so we don’t accidentally become the oppressor, no matter how just it may seem.
As an African girl too, I’ve seen what you’re describing firsthand. Online, there’s this whole conversation about “toxic feminism” and girlboss entitlement… but offline? In the homes we grow up in? The schools we attend? The churches? The streets?
We’re still just trying to survive.
It’s easy to debate double standards on the internet but in real life, some girls are still being told they’re not allowed to eat before their brothers. Still being told their only worth is marriage. Still being blamed for their own abuse. And still being watched like criminals in their own homes, just in case they "bring shame." So yeah, I agree the double standard is still loud, but only one side of it is consistently called out. It’s like we’re trying to “balance” scales that were built crooked from the start.
I really respect what you said here, “If balance only benefits a certain type of person, it’s merely a start of balance, not balance yet.” That’s going in my notes. Because THAT’S the reality.
Thank you for saying what you said!! And for reminding us that equality should never turn into revenge but that the road there is longer for some of us than others. 💜
yesss this is what i was talking about😭
and to even add, a decent part of this “toxic feminism” like expecting men to always bring the funds, stems from a patriarchal attitude of “women can’t/shouldn’t have the intelligence and agency to have a career, so bringing money is a man’s job”
It's comfortable to believe you deserve everything in the world without having to give anything back, which is what men were doing before women demanded better treatment. Like you said, it's not about equality so much as it is about winning. You've really put things into perspective for me!
Furthermore, this type of feminism doesn't seem much like feminism to me anyways. If a man is to provide money, love and attention for you and all you provide is aesthetic and beauty, is that not what we've been fighting against? That women are objects, to be paraded around as status symbols?
I loved reading this, thank you for putting words to the thoughts I've been having lately. There is a lot of resentment and anger in this movement, which I hope will balance out eventually. Posts like these are important in that process!
Lovely writing. I guess there is just an epidemic of entitlement and meanness everywhere. And nobody is immune.
I *love* this post: it encapsulates my feelings about modern feminism, especially in books. Female main characters are bratty, rude, brash, abusive, uncouth, walk all over boundaries. That's not female empowerment: that's narcissistic, self-centred behaviour. A lot of what we call 'toxic masculinity' is glorified these days when women do it. As a feminist, this is painful because the world, with all its Andrew Tates and Donald Trumps *needs* feminism. Obviously there's a time and place for rudeness and choosing yourself- calling out the creepy glowering guy on the street and refusing to get involved with a toxic guy is important- but that doesn't mean you have to be rude every.day.of.your.life.
This hit way too close and I mean that in the best way. You put language to something I’ve been feeling but hesitant to say out loud: that some of what we’re calling “empowerment” is actually ego dressed up in aesthetic.
We want softness and vulnerability, but we’re not always willing to give it back. We want fairness, but sometimes we’re really just trying to win.
I’m still a girl’s girl too, but not at the expense of truth or accountability.
Thank you for naming this with care. I’m curious where do you find examples of balanced, grounded feminism these days?
Tye, the way you put this? It’s exactly what I was trying to say but couldn’t find the words for. “Ego dressed up in aesthetic”?? You ate that.
I think grounded femininity still exists, yeah, but it’s just not the loud kind that goes viral. It’s in women who move with sense but don’t need to scream it. It’s rare though, not gonna lie. But I love that people like you are seeing through the noise. Makes me feel less crazy for writing what I wrote 😭❤️
I'm right here with you lol. I was sitting in my car when I got the notification and after reading the byline I said to myself, 'this is either exactly my people or someone who is hate polar opposite of me' and decided finding out which one you were was more pressing than getting out of the car haha. Truly, thank you for sharing this thought.
I hope this finds the right people and doesn't land in front of the kind of feminism that screams you're a 'pick me,' simply because they realized the shoe actually does fit.
First of all, I want to say, your words are bold and this is such a beautiful piece. There’s a clarity and confidence in what you wrote, and I can see you’re speaking from a place of deep reflection, and maybe even hurt. I respect that. I respect your honesty, and I respect that you're willing to say what many might only whisper.
But I have to offer a different side of the story.
When women today say, “I am the table,” or act with what some might call “entitlement,” we’re not pulling that attitude out of thin air. We’re reacting to centuries not years, centuries of being underpaid, over-sexualized, silenced, abused, and expected to smile through it.
The reason some women don’t want to “bring something to the table” is because we’ve been the table for generations. The emotional labor, the unpaid care, the bodily sacrifice from menstrual pain to childbirth to postpartum breakdowns it’s all been normalized and unappreciated.
So yes, some women are cold now. Some are passive-aggressive. Some are manipulative, just like some men. But let’s not pretend the root didn’t grow in imbalance, in generational exhaustion, in being punished for softness and then told we’re "too hard."
The version of feminism we’re carrying now? It’s messy. It’s loud. But that’s what healing looks like sometimes ugly before it’s soft. Is every action excusable? No.
But is every woman who’s “doing too much” just selfish or broken? Also no.
Some of us are tired of being used, spiritualized, and sexualized all while being asked to “stay kind.”We’re not trying to “win” over men. We’re trying to survive with our dignity intact.
So no, I don’t clap for toxicity either. But I do understand the rage behind it.
And maybe, instead of asking women to “hold a mirror,”
we should ask, Why did she have to become this sharp to be taken seriously in the first place?
First, thank you for this. I really respect how you shared your thoughts. It didn’t feel like an attack, just a different view. And I hear you. Loud and clear.
You’re right. The shift didn’t come from nowhere. It came from generations of silence, of being overworked, underloved, and told to shrink. So yeah, I get the rage. I get the tiredness. I get the hard shell. I’m not blind to it.
But somewhere along the way, we started using that pain to excuse what would’ve hurt us if the roles were reversed. A woman humiliates a man and we call it standards. She cheats and we say it’s because she deserves better. She’s cold or emotionally unavailable and we say she’s just protecting her energy. We celebrate behaviors that, if flipped, we’d be marching against. That’s what doesn’t sit right with me.
I’m not saying women shouldn’t be angry. I’m saying anger isn’t always healing. Sometimes it just adds more weight to the hurt we’re trying to rise from. And in trying to rewrite the narrative, I think we’ve started letting go of softness, empathy, even fairness.
No, not every woman who’s acting out is selfish. And no, not every reaction needs to be perfect. But if we’re going to talk about empowerment, it shouldn’t come at the cost of someone else’s dignity. That’s not healing. That’s retaliation. And that’s not the feminism I signed up for.
I still believe in balance. In calling things what they are. In not weaponizing pain. And that doesn’t make me anti-woman. It makes me someone who believes we can be powerful without becoming what we once feared.
Thanks for holding space for this. I think both truths can exist.
Thank you for your response. I truly appreciate the way you shared your thoughts not as an attack, but as someone holding space for both truth and accountability. And you're right, both truths can exist.
But here’s mine.
Yes, some of what’s happening now might look like entitlement. Retaliation. Toxicity. But before we label it that, we have to be willing to ask where it came from. Women didn’t wake up one day and decide to flip the script out of nowhere. This "hard shell," this coldness, this refusal to be soft it wasn’t born in a vacuum. It was built over centuries of being overlooked, used, silenced and discarded.
You said, “We’ve started using pain to excuse what would’ve hurt us if the roles were reversed.” But honestly, the roles were never even close to reversed. We were beaten into silence, married off at 14, denied education, paid less for equal work, raped and blamed, made to feel like our worth began and ended with whether a man “chose” us. Some of us still live in homes or countries where being born a girl is seen as failure. Some of us are still being told that “beautiful, tempting women” are the problem not the men who can’t control themselves.
So when some women get loud, angry, prideful, even selfish, I don’t see monsters. I see survival mode.
I agree revenge isn’t healing. Weaponizing pain won’t build the future we deserve. But can we really rush healing when the wounds are still being made today? Every time a woman is told her only job is to serve a man, that she’s too emotional, too opinionated, too much the fire reignites.
And yes, we should call things what they are. But we also can’t keep holding women to a level of accountability that society never demanded of men.
You also said, “We act like we want fairness, but what we really want is to win.” Maybe. But here’s the thing, We’ve been losing for so long, even basic dignity feels like a win. This isn’t about reversing oppression it’s about finally trying to escape it.
I’m still a girl’s girl too. But being one, to me, means understanding the rage and the softness. It means knowing some women are still bleeding from things they never even got to name. It means saying, “I get why you’re angry. I get why you snapped. I’m not saying stay there… but I’m not judging you for how you survived either”
Empowerment doesn’t mean perfection. And healing doesn’t always look graceful. But if we keep holding space like this with honesty and compassion maybe we can finally break the cycle instead of just flipping it.
Thank you for letting both truths breathe.💕
What a great post! I needed this after recently exiting a toxic relationship with a woman who justified everything she did all the time, no matter how blatantly wrong and selfish it was. And she never once said she was sorry, leaving that to me all the time. I am writing about my experience with this now and will post sometime over the next few days. But it felt great to see you speak these words of truth. Please keep it going. Your words have power and they help. They really do. One line at a time, one post at a time you are fighting for the “cause” - this collective effort to evolve the human experience by sharing the truth. Thank you for you honesty and putting yourself out there. You are supported here!!!!
Thank you so much for this. I’m really sorry you had to go through that. It’s draining when you’re the only one apologizing while your pain is ignored. I’m glad you’re writing about it though. That kind of honesty matters. I’m just putting my thoughts out there, so knowing it resonated means a lot. Keep sharing. You’re not alone either.
Thank you! My goal is to get my piece out by the 12th. Stay tuned.
I'm glad a woman (or a girl's girl) said it and I agree 1000%. We have to stop giving bad behavior good labels in the name feminism or women empowerment. By all means have high standards, be strong, don't settle, be a boss, but if you're rude, entitled, arrogant, and heartless it doesn't really matter. I say all that to say I enjoyed reading your thoughts, thank you!
Thank you so much. You summed it up perfectly. Strength doesn’t have to come at the cost of kindness. I’m really glad it resonated with you.
This was an interesting read for me because, contrary to a lot of comments here, it did not resonate and left me… sad, probably.
Not because i disagree with the point of it all (on the contrary, entitlement and shitty behavior are always to blame) but because i struggle to recognize in my daily experience and my “online bubble” any of the examples described. As it often happens, algorithms tend to feed you more and more with the type of content that confirms itself, so that could explain why i’ve not encountered this fake feminism, but the activism that i see online is far from the one talked about in this piece.
There is already a “right” way of talking and claiming rights that maybe doesn’t reach the big audience. So the question is: how can we shift the focus on the latter and educate ourselves better rather than contributing in amplifying the conflict ?
Thank you for this thoughtful take. It’s true, algorithms do shape what we see, and I respect that your experience has been different. I think the goal isn’t to spark more conflict, but to hold space for nuance. Both realities can exist at once. And yes, shifting the focus to better conversations and honest reflection is such a powerful place to start.
Maybe finding a voice as a group that's been downplayed for so long there's bound to be overdoing it and taking space as revenge. Feminism as an ideology is just that, an ideology. In practice it will always look messy especially since there's still patriarchy and misogyny and all kinds of conservatism circling,and fighting back.
I personally don't experience the behavior you describe, but I trust it exists, because it makes sense. Especially in the toxic context of online discussion. It's good to demand for better behavior, but feminism as how I understand it, is not what you describe, even if someone would evoke the word, so it's easy for me to recognize that this isn't it. Feminism in all its forms is practiced by humans who aren't perfect. And it's a good thing to remind them that there is still work to do. Even among self-identified feminists.
Absolutely agree with you. Feminism is layered, and like any movement shaped by real, imperfect people, it’s going to show up messy sometimes. The point wasn’t to dismiss the core of what feminism stands for, but to call out the ways it can be misused or misrepresented. There’s still so much unlearning and growth to do, even within our own communities, and that reminder matters.
I agree with you and have been saying something similar -- vilifying men in the name of feminism hurts not only the (vast majority of) good men but puts a negative spin on an otherwise critical cause.
Wow. Very well said! 👏👏👏
Owwwww💕
This shook me a little — in the way only truth does. It’s not every day you read something and instantly feel both seen and called higher. I won’t lie, parts of this made me pause because I’ve thought about them recently — like really sat with the discomfort.
I came across two conversations this week that scratched the surface of this. One felt... off. Like the girl was calling women out, but from a place of internalized misogyny — almost like resentment disguised as critique. The other, though, felt like this post: intentional, honest, and rooted in care, not shame.
Reading this felt like someone finally saying, “I love us... but we need to talk.” And we do need to talk — not shout, not shame, not sugarcoat. Talk.
The part about flipping cycles instead of breaking them? Yeah. That’s been echoing in my head. I know we’re angry. I know we’re healing. But we can’t confuse healing with harming. We can’t switch seats with the oppressor and call it justice.
We say we want equality, but sometimes what we really want is to “win” — to be adored, catered to, praised, and never questioned. But if we want softness, if we want real love, that comes with accountability too.
But here’s another layer: what happens when holding women accountable is done from a misogynistic place? What happens when the mirror is held up with bitterness instead of care? Do you really need to hate her to tell her the truth?
Because deep down, I think a lot of people — men and women — still associate feminism with man-hating. So every time they hear critique, they’re already on the defense. No one’s really listening anymore.
And from an African lens, the tension gets even murkier. Feminism here often clashes with deeply rooted cultural ideals — so when we critique it, people aren’t just hearing “accountability,” they’re hearing “rebellion,” or worse, “Western influence.” And that complicates how we talk about fairness, gender roles, and personal responsibility. Sometimes, even valid points get buried under the fear that we're abandoning our identity. So, where’s the space for African feminism that’s honest, nuanced, and still rooted in love for the culture?
This isn’t betrayal. It’s maturity. And sometimes, holding up a mirror is the kindest thing we can do for each other.
Thank you for writing this. Even if people pretend not to see it, it stirred something that needed to be stirred.